I’ve written about passive bilingualism a few times before and it’s a topic that’s always of huge interest to parents, caregivers and practitioners alike. The topic has also come up frequently during consultations over the last few months. So, given the recurring theme, I felt the need to dedicate a separate post to it. Especially now. As we go on holiday and relax, we sometimes tend to venture into exploring new language strategies. That’s fantastic, don’t get me wrong, but if you have a passive bilingual at home and are growing more and more frustrated that they keep responding in the “wrong” language, to the point where you’d do anything to change their language development course, don’t resort to pretending not to understand them until they start responding as you’d like. What also prompted me to write this is that just a week ago, I also learned about a friend who’d been imposing a strict strategy, refusing to speak to her child at all unless he responds back in the home language. She turns her back on her son when he struggles to express himself as he’d like to (because he mixes his languages in an effort to compensate for vocabulary he doesn’t know) and says things like, “I have no idea what you are saying,” or “I am not going to respond to you unless you speak [xyz] language to me.” Honestly, it appalled me.
If you’ve been reading my blog posts, you know that I usually refrain from giving blanket advice – not in the posts and not to families I consult with. I want to understand your circumstances, your unique situation. When I do give advice without diving deep into family dynamics, I always frame it as a suggestion or an idea. But not this time. I firmly believe that no matter what your situation is, you shouldn’t resort to this strategy. This is one piece of blanket advice I’d give any day: Don’t do it!
If your child is a passive bilingual in your home language – understanding everything but not responding in that language (or rarely doing so) – don’t pretend not to understand them in an effort to force them to use the other language!
At the core of language learning lie effective communication and connection. We learn language to connect with others and to build relationships. This need for connection is fundamental. And, as a parent / caregiver, your relationship and bond with your child always come first, transcending linguistic or academic goals.
If you’ve read my last blog post, you’ll know research clearly indicates that a positive and supportive learning environment significantly enhances language acquisition. Children who feel supported and encouraged are more likely to engage in language learning activities and demonstrate better language outcomes. This highlights, yet again, the crucial role of a nurturing environment in fostering effective language development. Pretending not to understand when you do is not it.
Pretending not to understand your child when they respond in a language other than the one you’re trying to reinforce is often advised as a strategy to ‘make’ passive bilinguals start speaking the target language. While this method might work for some (which, to be fair, it does), it raises a significant question: at what cost? And then another one: what is important to me as a parent and to us as a family?
I find this approach to be problematic for several reasons. Here’s why:
1.Prioritising language over your relationship
The connection and relationship with your child take precedence. Strong, healthy communication is at the core of a good relationship. Prioritising anything else can damage trust and hinder open communication. Children need to feel heard and understood, regardless of the language they use. By pretending not to understand them, you risk creating a sense of rejection or frustration in your child.
2. Erosion of trust
Trust is fundamental between parents and children. Pretending not to understand your child is essentially lying to them. This deception, even if well-intentioned, can erode trust. Children are perceptive and can sense insincerity. When they realise that you’re pretending, it can lead to feelings of betrayal and confusion, ultimately weakening the bond you share.
3. Disrespecting your child’s communication efforts
Effective communication goes beyond the choice of language. It involves understanding, empathy and responsiveness. Ignoring your child’s attempts to communicate, even if it’s in a language you’re not promoting, sends a message that their efforts to connect with you are not valued. It’s essential to respect and acknowledge their attempts to communicate, no matter the language, to foster a positive and supportive environment.
4. Creating negative associations with language learning
Language learning and acquisition should be a positive experience. Encouragement, support and positive reinforcement are key components of effective language acquisition. When you ignore your child or pretend not to understand them, you run the risk of creating a negative association with the language you’re trying to have them speak. Instead, celebrate their efforts and gently guide them towards using the desired language by modelling and encouraging its use without making them feel rejected.
5. Instigating power struggles
Pretending not to understand can quickly turn into a power struggle. Children might feel challenged and become more resistant to using the language you want them to speak in the long run. This adversarial dynamic is counterproductive and can make language learning a source of tension rather than a natural and enjoyable process.
6. Undermining an aspect of their emotional security
A nurturing and supportive environment is crucial for children’s overall development, including language learning and acquisition. Children thrive when they feel secure and supported. They need to feel that their attempts to communicate are appreciated and understood. By being responsive and understanding, you create an environment where they feel safe to practise and make mistakes.
7. Diminishing your child’s confidence
If your child feels that their attempts to communicate are not appreciated or understood, they may become hesitant and lose confidence. Encouraging their attempts at communication helps build their self-esteem and motivates them to keep trying. When children find joy and interest in using the language, driven by intrinsic motivation (coming from within your child because they find it interesting, enjoyable or satisfying), they are more likely to be interested to keep going. Strategies that rely on negative reinforcement can have a negative impact on their motivation.
While the intention behind pretending not to understand your child may be to reinforce the use of a certain language, in most cases a home language, the potential negative impacts it may have on your relationship with your child and their emotional well-being far outweigh the benefits. It’s crucial to foster a supportive, respectful and honest environment where communication and connection come first. Pretending not to understand them, when in fact you do, can create stress, erode trust and lead to negative associations with language learning. Instead, focus on encouragement, empathy and maintaining a strong, open relationship with your child; learn how to encourage them and model the desired language in a positive way. Remember that your relationship with your child is the most important factor in their growth and learning. It always comes first!
References:
- Cummins, J. (2000) Language, power and pedagogy: bilingual children in the crossfire. Clevedon: Multilingual Matters Ltd.
- Lightbown, P. M., Spada, N. (2013) How Languages are Learned. Oxford: Oxford University Press
- Madigan, S., Prime, H., Graham, S., et al. (2019) Parenting behavior and child language: a meta-analysis. Pediatrics, 144(4):e20183556
- Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Intrinsic and extrinsic motivations: Classic definitions and new directions. Contemporary Educational Psychology, 25(1), 54–67.
Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay
