The holiday season is upon us and, while it brings a lot of joy, it can also bring a lot of anxiety and overwhelm. This time of year offers a unique set of opportunities, but also challenges for multilingual families. We are all super excited to finally be able to reunite with family, unwind, catch up, connect and celebrate in our native language. However, sometimes, reality doesn’t quite align with our expectations. So, today I’d like to explore two common scenarios that multilingual families might encounter during these gathering and provide some strategies to handle them gracefully, ensuring that the celebrations remain enjoyable.
When your child’s language skills aren’t quite there for the big family conversations yet.
One of the most common questions parents of multilingual children ask themselves this time of year is,
“What if my child’s language skills are insufficient to fully communicate with relatives?”.
We all want those meaningful connections, the ability to share experiences and stories, form strong bonds and relationships with our relatives. However, when holiday gatherings happen and our child is caught in language limbo, trying to navigate these waters and integrate, it can be a challenging and a rather emotional experience for them (and for us too!). Such situations can lead to frustration, isolation and feelings of inadequacy, which can have a lasting impact on our child’s self-esteem and their sense of belonging within their extended family circle (and beyond!). They may feel isolated and out of place; like a piece of a puzzle that doesn’t quite fit anywhere in that particular set. And that can be really scary!
In some cases, extended family members may misinterpret the child’s struggles as disinterest or even a lack of respect for them or the language. Misunderstandings can strain family relationships, creating a sense of disconnect. Tension can be omnipresent, which is ok as long as we don’t ignore it. What we need to do instead is be proactive, address these challenges and find effective strategies to bridge communication gaps and foster meaningful connections within the family. Here’s what you can do:
1.Embrace it! – Be proactive and advocate for your multilingual child. Help everyone understand and appreciate their language and cultural journey.
2. Use visual aids. – Suggest incorporating visual aids to enhance comprehension during conversations and discussions.
3. Encourage expression through gestures. – Highlight the importance of non-verbal communication and gestures in overcoming language barriers.
4. Encourage patience. – Emphasise the significance of patience while your child is trying to find the right words to express themselves. Remind your family that language development is a process and not a product. Avoid putting pressure on your child to catch up quickly.
5. Simplify language when needed. – Instead of using fancy, complex terms during conversations, suggest using simpler language and / or rephrase and elaborate on some concepts. In a lot of cases, this can be more effective.
6. Encourage active listening. – While your child might feel shy to actively participate, encourage them to actively listen to the conversations around them. They will be a great source of rich and versatile language input. It will also help them adjust to different ways of speaking and will train their comprehension skills.
7. Encourage questions. – Encourage your child to ask questions when they need clarification or don’t understand something. The same goes for your family as well!
8. Family games for language input. – One of the best ways to improve language skills is through games. The playful and spontaneous interactions that occur during game time promote interaction and language exposure, making it an enjoyable and effective learning experience while making sure that your child wouldn’t feel too exposed.
When you have to deal with comparisons and even complaints.
Another major challenge that might arise is a lack of understanding for choosing to raise your child multilingually, resulting in varying home language proficiency. During family gatherings, it’s not uncommon for well-meaning relatives to comment on that or even complain that your child’s level of the home language is lacking, low or different, comparing their language skills to those of their monolingual cousins or peers. It is essential for extended family to realise that your child will probably always sound different because they have two (or more) languages in their brain that influence each other. This should not be remarked upon because it can have a detrimental effect on your child’s confidence around language acquisition and ability. It’s crucial to avoid sending a message that language skills falling short of native-speaker standards are less valuable or advantageous. It can have a disastrous outcome for your child’s self-esteem and their trust in their own abilities.
Remarks, such as, “Look at Jimmy, you should listen and learn, so you can speak like him.” or “Look at Jimmy, how come you don’t speak like that? It’s all those other languages!”, or even “You parents made a terrible decision when they moved abroad. Look at you now; you can’t even speak your own language properly!” can be hurtful – to multilingual children and their parents alike. Such comparisons might eventually turn into resentment towards the people your child is being compared to, potentially resulting into a life-long rivalry. Rather than fostering healthy competition, they can become a source of tension and resentment throughout a child’s life. Children who grow up feeling constantly compared may carry these insecurities into adulthood, affecting their self-confidence and relationships.
However, it’s important to also remember that such comparisons may sometimes happen unintentionally, driven by genuine curiosity or a lack of awareness about the complexities of multilingualism. That’s why ongoing conversations and explanations are essential. For example, when we visited my family a year ago, my mom compared my daughter’s Bulgarian language skills to my son’s when he was her age (3,5 years old). While it mildly irritated me at first, I took the opportunity to explain the reasons behind this difference and how external factors, like the COVID-19 pandemic, for example, had influenced the language input my daughter received. I know my mom didn’t mean to cause any tension, but there she was unintentionally doing it. Every child is unique, and what holds true for one may not apply to another. Therefore, by presenting the facts and the reasoning behind them, we can help our relatives better understand the intricacies of multilingualism and avoid making such comparisons in the future. At least not before they talk to us in private!
But this is what I think is probably the heaviest collateral damage – all the comparisons and critique, intentional or unintentional, may cause your child to develop negative associations with your home language. They might end up viewing it as a source of stress or pressure, rather than a means of forming connections. This negative perception can hinder their language development and, ultimately, their willingness to engage with and continue to develop that language.
Besides my post on how to win people over, here are some ideas how to manage such situations constructively:
1.Respond with confidence and empathy. – When someone points out the difference in language skills, respond confidently but kindly. Remind them that your child is growing up in a different environment, is (potentially) being schooled in a different language, therefore, one cannot expect their language development to mirror the development of the person they are being compared to. Their journey is unique and unlike anyone else’s!
2. Educate others: Take the opportunity to educate relatives about the complexities of multilingualism. Explain that language development does vary and emphasise the importance of support over comparisons.
3. (If possible) Have a conversation in advance. – Pro-actively approach the topic if you have an opportunity and let your relatives know what to expect. This way they will have a bit of time to prepare mentally in advance and, hopefully, will prevent rushed remarks and conclusions.
4. Stay positive: Maintain a positive attitude and remind yourself that your child’s language journey is a process. As they continue to learn and grow, their language skills will improve.
Remember, the holiday season is about coming together with loved ones and celebrating traditions. Your family should be a safe place where your child feels supported and encouraged, not put on the spot and made feel guilty. Over time, your child‘s language skills will develop and they’ll become more confident in communicating with extended family members. Help your family understand that each interaction has the potential of planting a seed of curiosity and excitement about the language.
Do you have experience navigating these challenges with overzealous and tactless relatives? Share your stories with us!
Image by Nicole Michalou on pexels.com
